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an update [Sep. 23rd, 2006|05:58 pm]
[Current Location |the apartment, where else]
[mood |hungryhungry]
[music |Black Betty--Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds]

to anyone who cares:

apologies for once again falling off the face of the planet (specifically, to katherine who has a lot going on of her own and whose entries/questions I have responses to but my lack of being on the computer for extended periods of time has denied me the time to articulate) ...things have been too crazy to think about and that's rather the way I've been dealing with it lately. I never cleaned the house or my room and at this point feel as if I'm living in something akin to squallor. I still haven't found a job. School started and I'm up for my first 16 hour semester in a while, was worried that financial aid wasn't going to go through but finally did (thank god they don't go per semester by gpa but still stick with cumulative). Taking:

-Scientific Perspectives on the Social Order: Physical Sciences (last year of core for me, huzzah)
-Intro to Playwriting
-Directing for the Stage
-Advanced Characterization (yes, again, but a totally different professor and focus): Shakespeare

Well, let's see how far back I can remember:

JULY: Had the first geuinely good birthday of my life, I've decided it has to do with the fact that I told everyone this year not to get me anything, the only thing I wanted was a good bday, and it worked!

AUGUST: Ilana came down for two weeks, we went to the beach (daytona) for a weekend with liz while she was here (officially my first-ever totally as-an-adult adventure) and got tattoo's together (another first for me) so now I have a four-leaf clover on my right hip. Granted, it's half an inch bigger than I wanted and slightly more cartoonish, but that's only fair given that I didn't really have that clear of a picture of what I did want, and now I love it anyway. Very happy with the way it looks, but there's just no describing how fucking painful the recovery process was...I believe that the section of it that's actually on bone got infected, which sucked a whole lot.

James officially moves out most of his stuff to Chattanooga at the beginning of the month. We're still apparently keeping the living room set over here though since it won't fit into his new apartment, so at least we'll still have furniture until we move in december (sans tables, actually, which is interesting but still better than the alternative).

September 7th I find out that a mutual/friend-of-a-friend has hung himself, spend the remainder of the weekend hanging out at the erics (me having met kyle through eric #1, and then his roommate eric #2 whom I will hereafter refer to as bagel should I refer to him again.) and going to the funeral on sunday. I might post more on that later, but that could be said of most everything here.

In the midst of all this, deborah (my advisor and the prof for the playwriting class) is having us write three five-page plays in about a week and a half, all with difficult-to-fulfill assignment topics such as: a play with a dog as a protagonist (thank god I missed that assignment in the email, so I just wrote something random), a play about the end of the world (conveniently due september 11th) and a play that can't be staged. Yeah. All so we can be giving the directing class (yes, the one I'm in) plays to choose from when directing something for this slightly-under-48-hours-"boot camp," where after picking a play to direct on thursday, you get a draft cast on friday from the Beginning Characterization class and perform the play on saturday.

Ugh. Can't even begin to describe how that went. The playwright whose plays I was choosing from sucks. Harsh of me to say, but true. Grammatical errors abound, poorly developed (if developed at all) characters, boring if not boring AND utter nonsense plots, and crap crap CRAP dialogue. So since my playwright is the only one in the class who used an actual dog in her story and has it doing things like sitting in people's laps and getting picked up, etc. (and the fact that I just hated the story) and for her play-that-can't-be-staged play (which, by the way, it totally could have, I don't know how she thinks she completed the assignment, it just couldn't be staged by US in this situation [i.e. student directors putting on a five minute play in a freakin bomb shelter with no budget or way to produce special effects]), I end up going with the end-of-the-world play, which I would describe but the bitch-fest there would take more time than I'm willing to put in right now. I can almost assure you I'll bitch about that one in a later post. So that took up all of last weekend.

This weekend (i.e. yesterday) went to a ladytron show which freakin rocked. Liz, Carrie and I met up with Chance and Mike there (Mike being friend Nick's best friend and Chance being his roommate [Mike's] who I have been intermittently chatting with on myspace [yes, it shames me to have to mention that website ever, but that's how it went]), then attempted to get burrito's at the place next to the variety playhouse but didn't because carrie got kicked out, so ended up spending most of the night's remainder at the Oasis (strip club) and finishing everything off with good ol' WaHo. Got groped a surprising amount at the show (chance) but still not as bad as what carrie went through, got somewhat toasted from the 4 flasks of whiskey carrie put in her girdle (yes, she wears them specifically for this purpose) and 4 or so beers at the show. Danced with some random hot chick who asked if she could (yum). And don't even get me started on the Oasis. Oy--as soon as carrie and I got in, we were immediately entraced by Marguerite's ability to work a pole to occasionally gravity defying extreme's. Ended up talking with her and a stripper who looked like Kirsten Dunst in Spiderman for most of the night, more free drinks and shots out of yet-another hot stripper's boobs, and a lapdance I won't forget soon. All of this with not a dollar spent from my own wallet--it's amazing how grateful stripper's are of a relatively-attractive-vaguely-lesbian-couples' attentions when they're sick of annoying old guys pawing at them all night.

Anyway, just been stressed trying to find a job since I'm down to another month's rent in my accounts and james still hasn't given me any of the approximately 3000 dollars he owes me and when he does it likely wont' be more than a few hundred. School's a bitch as always and I'm also stressed about trying to find an apartment for ilana and I to live in by november/december (she's moving down for good! and somehow managed to finish a BA in rockin 3 years because she is amazing) because until she finishes school officially she's still in pitt and incapable of looking herself, when until I find a job I have no idea what my income/monthly budget will be.

And oh, it just occured to me that I never mentioned that James and I broke up. This was after the car crash (which, by the way, I lost my job over so for the summer I've been doing the temp thing and that has not been working out well) and after my second root canal (hadn't mentioned that either, that was from getting accidentally kicked in the face at the end of april, having to drive out to smyrna and then having the fucker do the wrong tooth and get mad at ME when I called him on it a few weeks later. "Well if it hadn't fixed the problem you should've mentioned it immediately." You mean when finals were going on and then the following week I get into a car accident? "Oh, so this could have happened in the accident and therefore-isn't-my-fault-even-though-I-was-technically-supposed-to-do-the-other-one-and-the-pain-level-has-stayed-exactly-the-same-for-you-this-whole-time? That'll be 75 bucks." None of this being on insurance in the first place because the only guy who was on the insurance was booked until june, who, by the way, I went to see after since we couldn't afford more out-of-pocket shit and he refused to do the thing, so I had to see someone else who was even more expensive to do it out of pocket the second time. Yeah) and all of this is only partially the reason why I ended up bombing last semester (not that 2 c+'s and a b is necessarily bombing, but like I said puts into question a lot of financial shit).

Oy, there's really just no way to describe the sucky horrors of what life has amused itself by throwing at me this year...I've resigned myself to 2006 being sort of a goner year and just looking forward with great anticipation to 2007 (Ilana! New apartment! Hopefully graduating! Being 21! [although holy-fuck I can't tell you how pissed I was to realize that, of course, it falls on a freakin sunday, which, for those of you who know georgia law, means that there won't be an liqour stores open for me to enjoy my new privelege. Damn the bible belt, I say]) but still trying not to get my hopes up too far there either.

As the icing on the cake, I haven't been taking my anxiety meds for something like a month now...if not more, or seen my shrink. It's gotten to the point where there's really no aspect of my life that doesn't cause immediate panic/depression/psychotic espisodes when I think about it except seeing friends I didn't get to when I wasn't single. So again with the whole pattern of avoidance thing, etc. etc. I'm trying to be optimistic/action-oriented so things can get better, but it's all just so damned daunting that I really don't know how.

Ugh. Performing a sonnet Tuesday which I'm really not ready for and have to pick a dramatic monologue...but that's to be worried over later. At the moment I plan to go to the store for the first time in at least two, three months to get food (been surviving off a fast food dollar meal a day and random kindness of friends) for myself, which I frankly don't have the money for but I figure I'll splurge with a real shopping trip whose products I can hopefully make last for the next month or so and will be cheaper than eating out all the time (and better for my skin). Saying skin makes me think of health news, because for a while I had this really weird rash/zits-turning-into-weird-scabby-things phase (happened during the weekend of kyle's funeral, been attributing it to stress) which is only now fading, haven't seen a gyno in however long but have to at some point so I can get a refill on the pill (can't deal with what happenes to my complexion when I'm not on it), and of course bronchial/gastric problems abound. Yay for somatic disorders (and me just not taking care of myself).

Well, this was probably the longest, most non-sensical/rambling entry I've posted in a while (hopefully it is) but that's sort of what happens when I actually attempt to explain my absence and what's been going on.

From: (Anonymous)
2006-09-25 02:00 pm (UTC)
So basically you're only keeping in touch with friends you can get inebriated with. Great.
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[User Picture]From: calea
2006-09-25 03:03 pm (UTC)
Yeah, well, you know me (you must, as you've obviously deduced my entire social life from an entry where I mention inebriation exactly once)--I'm not happy unless the folks I hang out with are eligible for an intervention regarding their excesses with at least one intoxicating substance.

I'm so glad you agree with me on what a great call that is, it's so extraordinarily encouraging to hear positive feedback in an area where others might feel the need to come to negatively-biased premature conclusions.

It's a good thing you know me better than that, and so can leave these helpfully reassuring comments anonymously instead of bothering to contact me via an actual conversation--We all know (and I'm so thrilled you realize this as well) that a well-intentioned nameless lj-comment can just touch a person's heart in ways that coming out and saying something to someone when they know who you are never could.

My thanks, unidentified patron, for the new sense of security you've given me on my life choices, and not demeaning that sense by me knowing who it came from. I salute your bravery and goodwill.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: (Anonymous)
2006-09-26 12:24 am (UTC)
I tried contacting you for an entire semester and you never responded. I know more about your life from my one conversation with Liz than anything you bothered to tell me. It's hurtful that you'd take a beach vacation with Ilana but won't return my phone calls, Gmail messages or emails.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: sikinfinity
2006-12-10 12:44 am (UTC)
in answer to your question, which hopefully you will eventually receive, yes, I've taken to smoking the reefer, especially this past week as I had a lot of shit to deal with including not having a car, and what better time to be constantly fucked up. seems all the shit has died down for now, which I appreciate, but then again I do kind of miss laughing at my own table.
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