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In other news... [Jan. 17th, 2012|01:57 pm]
[Current Location |zee apt]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |my thoughts]

I have decided to do something I swore I would never do--make most or all of my journals filtered and actually use this thing for its intended purpose. I could do with a lot more self-reflection and reflection in general, the effectiveness of which will probably be hindered if I leave this thing public.

I've changed in several ways since I last really utilized this journal,and while I don't feel disassociated enough with the person I was to just create a new account, have reached a breaking off point where I want to start defining things differently, while still being constantly aware of who I was before, what mistakes I made, and what I learned from them. Those previous public entries will remain so, but I maintain my angsty little rant on my userinfo about how indicitive it is of my life. I was a very troubled, angry, confused teenager when I started posting here, and am now a very troubled, angry, confused twenty-something but I feel that's enough of a difference for me to be comfortable making a distinction.

If anyone stumbles across this who would like to be added to the list, leave a comment on this entry and I'll take it from there.

So long, public world, it's been...something.
linkthere must be a devil between us

so I've been thinking [Feb. 21st, 2009|03:32 am]
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |a hard day's night]

and I think a part of some of my problems is that I'm essentially an extrovert who hates people.

also, I'm watching a hard day's night for the first time and it's...interesting.

also interesting is the discovery I made during this movie that the british slang term "grotty" is short for grotesque.
linkthere must be a devil between us

on something [Jan. 17th, 2009|05:15 am]
[Current Location |My soon-to-be-old-apartment]
[mood |listlesslistless]
[music |the damned and black lips station on pandora]

I don't really believe in new year's resolutions, but as I'm about to be moving into my very first new house (so sweet!) and my roommate and I are both trying to get the wheels of change started in our favor) there are a few key areas I want to try to be more aware of/proactive about. so my areas of focus for myself (some of them, anyway) are as follows:

-Learning to forgive ('specially myself,cause that makes doing that with anybody else that much easier). This is a must, and what I've realized to be at the core of a lot of my issues.

-Kicking that damnable jealousy demon (a highly undesirable trait has begun rearing it's head in unforseen ways lately, which is me getting in a really pissy mood whenever I'm around multiple friends, with few exceptions. I find myself getting really irritable over the way they act around each other...or something. It requires further observation to say the least)

-Rediscovering that like for myself I had for all of a month or two before I let it become mired in the loss of identity that so defines my life.

-Getting off my ass for once in my life and just DOING SOMETHING. anything!
linkthere must be a devil between us

sweet jeh-eesus [Dec. 20th, 2008|07:24 am]


e-breviations are about the most articulate and succinct way of expressing yourself I can think of.

linkthere must be a devil between us

10 points on eating out which you may or may not know [Oct. 4th, 2008|01:56 am]
[Current Location |home, at last.]
[mood |pissed offpissed off]
[music |throbbing in my brain that comes from being sick in addtion to pissed off]

not that anyone will read this, but on the off-chance that you do...here's a nice little note on the service industry:

1) to anyone who has ever said or thought to themselves regarding a server who does not fulfill your "needs" quickly enough "god, your job isn't even that hard" without having actually worked the job in question (as in, been a server yourself) SHUT THE FUCK UP. you have no idea how hard any job is (and yes, this applies to me regarding jobs I haven't done) until you have been in that position yourself. Any naive motherfucker who thinks that all servers do is get to work and take tables is a fucking idiot. It may not be your fault that you're an idiot, but you're an idiot nonetheless--server's open and close the store, which involves a good bit of work, and have sidework to do for every shift and day of the week. Guess who rolls the silverware, cleans every fucking thing you see in the store, gets more ice, all the little shit you goddamn customers never give a second thought to? Servers! That's right, even when we're slammed and have a billion tables to wait, we still have to do this shit because there's no one else to do it and it has to be done.

**2) The Most Important Point--to anyone who thinks when they leave a shitty tip "well, they get paid anyway"--NO, WE DON'T. we get paid 2 dollars and fucking thirteen cents an hour which--guess what! equates to ZERO DOLLAR FUCKING CHECKS when we get paid so NO, we DON'T get paid for what we do aside from the four or five dollars you decide to grace me with after I've busted my ass making all your fucking exceptions to the order that the kitchen gets mad at me for having to do and refilling your goddamn drink 18 times. NEVER excuse your cheap ass with thinking that we get paid aside from tips. WE DON'T.**

3) It is not, nor has it ever been, the server's responsibility to split checks (especially when you fuckers have six or more fucking people with a shit ton of drinks) when you don't tell us at the beginning. That shit is your responsibility, it will always be, so say something at the beginning or else you have NO right to get any kind of pissy when I have seven other tables and it takes me longer than a minute to split your checks, which, yes, does take much longer to do at the end than at the beginning.

4) No server, no matter how good they are, can perfectly handle gettting five or more tables coming in at the same time. You may not notice this at other restaraunts because larger corporate restaraunts have things like bussers and hostesses which ensure that this does not happen (or at least, they should), but at any smaller restaraunt where there is only one server, you may be actually forced to (GASP) put yourself in their postion and imagine that you are only one person trying to take five orders at once when no one is actually ready when you get to the table and take ten fucking minutes debating while you're there.

--piece of advice--if your service is shitty, TAKE A LOOK AROUND and ask yourself the following questions:
-have I seen any other server around the restaraunt at all?
-have the other tables been taking a long fucking time to order and generally been assholes?
-was I seated by someone or is my server literally the only one in the restaraunt?
-is there someone to bus tables or is just the server I see doing this?

questions like these will mightily help you out when making judgements about the quality of your service--there are, indeed, times when the restaraunt is empty, there are bussers and hostesses aplenty and you still get bad service, and in these situations I get pretty fucking pissed too, but NEVER assume your server's job is easy until you have used common fucking sense to take a look around and see what kind of situation they're in.

also, "we're in a hurry and we need to leave soon,"....if you were in that much of a fucking hurry, you would've placed a to-go order or gotten fast food, but no one on the planet should ever think they're special enough to go to any restaraunt where it takes time to prepare food (and SURPRISE! the wait staff actually has no effect on how long your food takes to make, that would be the KITCHEN'S fault, but you wouldn't think of that because you're so short-sighted that you need to yell at whoever is standing in front of you and penalize us for things we didn't do) in the middle of a lunch or dinner rush and somehow think you take priority over anyone else in the damn place. you don't, food takes time to make (which you might know if you ever stayed at home to make it yourself--but wait! that's still way fucking different because you only have one table to worry about there), deal with it.

5) Contrary to popular belief, I don't actually stop being a human being when I clock in. Being a polite and civil human being is still something that you should try to do, unless you are not a human being yourself.

6) To anyone who bitches about a gratuity added to parties: it is, in fact, much more difficult and time-consuming to wait on a party of any size not only becuase of having to take and deliver so many orders, but because, generally speaking, large parties never know what the fuck they want and we have to waste a lot of valuable time answering dumb fucking questions you could answer yourself if you looked at the menu. It's not like I dont' do the same thing when I'm in large parties, everyone does, but I recognize that it's a common phenomena and tip accordingly.

7) If you can't afford to tip appropriately DON'T FUCKING EAT OUT. They have fast food and a grocery stores for a reason. you pay not just for food but for service when you eat out, and while I fully appreciate that the title "tip" is misleading and am with you on the fact that a tip should just be a voluntary tip, that is unfortunately not the way it works in america. AT ALL. so unless you're in a foreign country where they actually pay their servers, never make that asinine assumption.

8) If you were raised by old or cheap people, you are probably not aware of this, but 20% is now the standard. Ask any fucking person in the industry and they will tell you this, I'm not shitting you or trying to rip you off, that is the fucking standard and there is NO such thing as a good tip that is anywhere below that. It sucks, but it's the way it is.

9)We don't even make all of that 20% you may or may not give us. We are obligated to tip out the bartender, busser, hostess or expo of our total sales, so when you tip 18%, it might end up being more like 10%...we're actually not being that greedy, cause 10% of whatever your bill is after we give you amazing service and we get paid nothing is actually jackshit and pretty insulting.

--it's just. not. that. difficult. to get out a fucking calculator. and figure out how much to put on what card or how much cash to give. IT IS, however, pretty difficult in certain situations for us to split up your shit at the last minute when we have a billion other tables wanting shit.

there's a final point here that I forgot, but do feel free if you have any issues or questions about what i've said or working in the service industry in general to contact me and I'm happy to address those...mostly what pisses me off is ignorance about the way it actually works because I can tell most people have no idea what it's actually like and are not trying to be dicks, but end up doing that nonetheless--cause knowledge is power!!

link1 whore in my bed|there must be a devil between us

(no subject) [Sep. 13th, 2008|02:19 pm]
[mood |crushedcrushed]

I'm really, really, really sick of feeling.

and unavoidably being such a whiny emo in the process.
linkthere must be a devil between us

(no subject) [Apr. 1st, 2008|06:27 am]
[Current Location |my floor]
[mood |exanimateexanimate]
[music |vampire weekend...eh, who am I kidding, it's been silence for a while now]

boy, I sure do smack of desperation right about now.

link1 whore in my bed|there must be a devil between us

RIP the greatest cat in the world, Hussy [May. 23rd, 2007|09:45 pm]
[mood |crushedcrushed]
[music |nothing]

So at the beginning of february, I finally realized one of my life goals to own a cat, and we adopted the coolest one in the world from the human society, Hussy. She was a year and a half old when we got her, and even all those stupid people who didn't get excited or act like it was any big deal at all to have a cat quickly realized their error once they met her and agreed that there was no better cat on the face of the planet.

About a month ago, Ilana got a puppy who despite my not-being-a-dog-person is adorable and wonderful, etc. and at about the same time Hussy became really reclusive and just hid in her little bed in my closet all day instead of jumping around as much as she normally did. We figured that she had settled in to her environment and didn't like being around toby, and attributed her rather sudden weight gain to the fact that she no longer exercised and that everyone said that she needed to gain weight anyway because she was always so small.

But today when I woke up she was sprawled out across the floor flailing and howling and obviously in pain, so we took her to the vet. It turns out that Hussy had a rare disease that most cats are exposed to at some point in their life but nothing ever happens with, but can come up at times of stress and change to their environment and once it does its always fatal. When we thought she had been gaining weight her belly was really just becoming distended with fluid, and her flailing around this morning was the virus being in her nervous system and causing seizures. Needless to say, with incurable fatal diseases being that advanced and her in a lot of pain, we had to put her to sleep today.

I had been thinking about getting an actual kitten over the summer because I still want one, but now I just dont' see that happening for a while. The fact that there's no way to tell if this is going to happen again and knowing that if it did there'd be nothing I could do about it is just a bit much when I lost the embodiment of my childhood dream only three months after I got her.

I'm still trying to figure out how to upload videos here from my phone because god knows I went kind of crazy with taking them when I got her, but for now here are some of the many photos I took while she was here (all on cell phone so none are good quality). Rest in peace Hussy-cat.

When we first got her, just chilling with the TV:

Curled up in that adorable way she did:

I think this was maybe the fourth time she straight-up scaled our screen door, although you may not be able to tell that there's a dark blob on there, there is and her name is hussy:

Curled around my hand:

and with her auntie carrie and other mommy ilana:

link1 whore in my bed|there must be a devil between us

wiggety wack [May. 23rd, 2007|02:42 am]
[Current Location |with a scratchy throat]
[mood |awakeawake]
[music |Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games--Of Montreal]

So I'm sick and filled out a thingy for one of my friends and so re-post as a call to them filling it out. But feel free to take it as a call for you too, cause it totally is. Even if your some random anonymous fuck I've never talked to.

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
If polyamorous, room on your dance card or is it full?
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the "world peace, etc." malarkey) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country (or place outside any country) is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent.
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. Time travel: past or future?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?
link4 whores in my bed|there must be a devil between us

an update [Sep. 23rd, 2006|05:58 pm]
[Current Location |the apartment, where else]
[mood |hungryhungry]
[music |Black Betty--Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds]

to anyone who cares:

apologies for once again falling off the face of the planet (specifically, to katherine who has a lot going on of her own and whose entries/questions I have responses to but my lack of being on the computer for extended periods of time has denied me the time to articulate) ...things have been too crazy to think about and that's rather the way I've been dealing with it lately. I never cleaned the house or my room and at this point feel as if I'm living in something akin to squallor. I still haven't found a job. School started and I'm up for my first 16 hour semester in a while, was worried that financial aid wasn't going to go through but finally did (thank god they don't go per semester by gpa but still stick with cumulative). Taking:

-Scientific Perspectives on the Social Order: Physical Sciences (last year of core for me, huzzah)
-Intro to Playwriting
-Directing for the Stage
-Advanced Characterization (yes, again, but a totally different professor and focus): Shakespeare

Well, let's see how far back I can remember:

JULY: Had the first geuinely good birthday of my life, I've decided it has to do with the fact that I told everyone this year not to get me anything, the only thing I wanted was a good bday, and it worked!

AUGUST: Ilana came down for two weeks, we went to the beach (daytona) for a weekend with liz while she was here (officially my first-ever totally as-an-adult adventure) and got tattoo's together (another first for me) so now I have a four-leaf clover on my right hip. Granted, it's half an inch bigger than I wanted and slightly more cartoonish, but that's only fair given that I didn't really have that clear of a picture of what I did want, and now I love it anyway. Very happy with the way it looks, but there's just no describing how fucking painful the recovery process was...I believe that the section of it that's actually on bone got infected, which sucked a whole lot.

SEPTEMBER:Collapse )

Anyway, just been stressed trying to find a job since I'm down to another month's rent in my accounts and james still hasn't given me any of the approximately 3000 dollars he owes me and when he does it likely wont' be more than a few hundred. School's a bitch as always and I'm also stressed about trying to find an apartment for ilana and I to live in by november/december (she's moving down for good! and somehow managed to finish a BA in rockin 3 years because she is amazing) because until she finishes school officially she's still in pitt and incapable of looking herself, when until I find a job I have no idea what my income/monthly budget will be.

regression into past recapCollapse )

Oy, there's really just no way to describe the sucky horrors of what life has amused itself by throwing at me this year...I've resigned myself to 2006 being sort of a goner year and just looking forward with great anticipation to 2007 (Ilana! New apartment! Hopefully graduating! Being 21! [although holy-fuck I can't tell you how pissed I was to realize that, of course, it falls on a freakin sunday, which, for those of you who know georgia law, means that there won't be an liqour stores open for me to enjoy my new privelege. Damn the bible belt, I say]) but still trying not to get my hopes up too far there either.

As the icing on the cake, I haven't been taking my anxiety meds for something like a month now...if not more, or seen my shrink. It's gotten to the point where there's really no aspect of my life that doesn't cause immediate panic/depression/psychotic espisodes when I think about it except seeing friends I didn't get to when I wasn't single. So again with the whole pattern of avoidance thing, etc. etc. I'm trying to be optimistic/action-oriented so things can get better, but it's all just so damned daunting that I really don't know how.

Ugh. Performing a sonnet Tuesday which I'm really not ready for and have to pick a dramatic monologue...but that's to be worried over later. At the moment I plan to go to the store for the first time in at least two, three months to get food (been surviving off a fast food dollar meal a day and random kindness of friends) for myself, which I frankly don't have the money for but I figure I'll splurge with a real shopping trip whose products I can hopefully make last for the next month or so and will be cheaper than eating out all the time (and better for my skin). Saying skin makes me think of health news, because for a while I had this really weird rash/zits-turning-into-weird-scabby-things phase (happened during the weekend of kyle's funeral, been attributing it to stress) which is only now fading, haven't seen a gyno in however long but have to at some point so I can get a refill on the pill (can't deal with what happenes to my complexion when I'm not on it), and of course bronchial/gastric problems abound. Yay for somatic disorders (and me just not taking care of myself).

Well, this was probably the longest, most non-sensical/rambling entry I've posted in a while (hopefully it is) but that's sort of what happens when I actually attempt to explain my absence and what's been going on.
link4 whores in my bed|there must be a devil between us

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