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(no subject) [Jul. 27th, 2006|03:36 pm]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |crazyneurotic]
[music |The drums inside my head]

Have you ever had a nightmare that stays with you way after you wake up, and then get this fear that until you talk to someone or have contact with the outside world, you might not really be outside of it yet?

Been dreaming more and more lately, having my demons step to the forefront again and am not dealing with it too well. It's so very easy to talk about psychotic symptoms/breaks from reality, derealizations and the like as something that you've been through and dealt with in the past, as if it's something that you're now prepared to deal with and OK with. But that's not the way it is, that's never the way it is, just hope that this next time won't be that severe and won't go on that long because you honestly don't know how distorted your perception of reality is or how far from your normal boundaries of action you could stray and what you could do in the process.

This may be the first time I've ever mentioned this on here, since it's something that's so open to misinterpretation and asinine assumptions that I figure it's not worth it, but I have Borderline Personality Disorder, along with a few others but that one's the kicker.

In case you don't know much/anything about BPD, here:Collapse )

I just went online to take an assessment of functioning, and joined a community for posting (although they only have support communities for bipolar disorder, depression, and schizofrenia, I sent an email to the admin requesting one for BPD)...maybe that will help.

In therapy and on meds, yada yada, but therapy progresses at a painstakingly slow rate for a few reasons:Collapse )

Sigh. In any event, there will never be any journal entry in which I feel I've adequately expressed anything, or accomplished peace of mind, or not have run the risk of being misinterpreted (especially given the fact that I can't actually say what I mean, because there are just too many things the English language is hopelessly ill-equipped to express), but whatever. I just don't care at this point...

This would be a "me" entry, while I typically use this journal for general updates on my life as a convenience, or just little asides and rants that I go on in general, which I sort of prefer to this kind.

bitchy little aside for those people who feel the need to talk shit and not specify who they areCollapse )
link2 whores in my bed|there must be a devil between us

... [Jul. 7th, 2006|03:16 am]
[mood |crankycranky]
[music |The Dream--The Birthday Massacre (thanks, keith)]

and in other news, I'm damn near positive I have an ear infection of some sort.

Either that, or a bug has laid eggs in my ear, but I've heard tell that this sort of thing is unlikely.

and I still have no job.

Can I get a damn the man/fuck the system, anyone?
link2 whores in my bed|there must be a devil between us

I remember when... [Jun. 17th, 2006|12:38 am]
[Current Location |home. bored.]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |a fucking suh-weet playlist I made]

why the fuck is the date saying april 17, 2006? well, whatever. (
*EDIT: and now lj has the cockiness to come up with this bullshit when I try to post "Error updating journal: Incorrect time value: Your most recent journal entry is dated 2006-05-14 13:28, but you're trying to post one at 2006-04-17 00:35 without the backdate option turned on. Please check your computer's clock. Or, if you really mean to post in the past, use the backdate option."

Yeah, sure, I'll change the date to be correct for your own sake, LJ, but I called you out on that shit. Don't forget it.)

I'm just really fucking bored at the moment, waiting for a possible call from liz to say that she is not cool with her rolling experience, which prevents me from indulging in typical boredom habits as is my wont.

jeez, I really do find some of the crap I've been a party to online to be truly fucking embarrassing, but I'm too lazy/embarrassed about being embarrased about things I've actually done to do anything about it. dear god, the additional complexes folks of our generation will have, now that childhood humiliation comes in the additional flavor of crappy websites instead of just the original home video, photo, and word-of-mouth packages. FUN.

but since I'm so bored myself, tell me something exciting about YOU.

no, seriously.

P.S. assuming you actually check this thing, hell yes we need to hang out soon jamie. gimme a ringy-dingy or just pester me incessantly on AIM/other internet means.
link2 whores in my bed|there must be a devil between us

Car Crash [May. 14th, 2006|01:28 pm]
[Current Location |In bed, with ice packs a-plenty]
[mood |cynicalcynical]
[music |My Humps--The black-eyed peas (yes, take that as you will)]

Ok, so since I haven't been around for the past...long time and god knows there isn't an excuse good enough for that shit apparently, I figured instead of just trying to explain every-fucking-thing that has been going on/wrong in my life, I'll just start with the most recent:

So picture this:

You're driving down 285W minding your own damn business (approaching ashford dunwoody in the third right lane, if you needed that extra visual), someone does that lovely thing where they start to get over either having not checked to see that your car is already nicely fitted in to that sweet spot they're going for, or just having that fuck-all-I'm-an-Atlantan-and-this-is-MY-ROAD mentality and starts to get over exactly where you are anyway.

So, you swerve out of the way (thank god there wasn't anyone in the next lane)--Disaster averted! Hooray for fast thinking! But wait, you were on the highway going 60 and swerving that dramatically means that now your tiny-ass plastic subaru is now totally out of control and veering for the heavily trafficked far right lane.

Swerve again, away from all those poor innocent bystanders just trying to get home. Victory? almost. Hit the back tail of her car, and now everything's spinning in opposite directions at 60mph for a good 15 seconds at least (My gauge for this not being "just in my head" is that I was screaming the whole time and I had to take a breath, actually maybe two breaths to keep screaming--so none of that "now, now, caitlyn, it probably only felt like it took that long" bullshit now), staring 7 lanes of oncoming traffic in the face hoping like hell they avoid me, and knowing I can't brake or turn or really do anything about the situation or I will flip my car--maybe hit the bridge at one point (yes, of course, this happens nicely coinciding with the goddamn underpass of ashford), she definitely does, we crash again sometime in the midst of all the spinning, spin around one, two more times before coming to a halt.

The whole left side of her van in blown apart--all windows out, lawn furniture which I assume was in the back scattered every which way, airbag deployed (NOT MINE THOUGH, doesn't that make you feel all warm and gooey about suburu's safety standards?) and she's holding her face which is gushing blood. Talked to her long enough to make sure she was conscious, called an ambulance and the police--the two staples driver's who witnessed are sticking around to make sure she's OK and to tell the cops what they saw.

Since it's the highway during rush hour,. all anyone cares about is getting the scene cleared and her off in an ambulance (still don't know if she's OK or not) and they don't even ask for my insurance card until an hour later when everyone but one cop car and my mother has left (yes, I still dial mommy in the event of an emergency). Supposedly, the cop said from first glance that it was her fault, but they're not supposed to give absolutes on that sort of thing until they process their paperwork. Who knows, about to call the insurance company.

Amazingly enough, I'm OK at first glance. The nice thing about spinning around is that it just gives you a universal internal shake-up, instead of extreme whiplash or something, and I somehow managed (probably through that wonderful shock reaction of locking your entire body up) to avoid actually hitting my head or anything else on the wheel or windows, but I've already seen the chiropractor 3 times last week because my back's so fucked up now.

Oh yeah--and in case there was any doubt, I have no car now. The axel broke pretty cleanly from what I understand, aside from losing the transmission and all of that other jazz. Don't know when I'm going to get another, but let's leave this whole little parable at me being a now carless, significantly more freaked-out and paranoid individual with even more old-lady back problems than she already has who now refuses to get on a damn highway for anything.

And while this is certainly the most dramatic example of all of the fucked-up things my life has thrown at me lately, it's really only the tail end of a series of all-hell-breaking-loose in my life. OH! and all of this on the 1 single week in the two years that tiffany has been at work that she decides to take a vacation, the one week ilana decides to come down for the summer, and the fucking week james graudates college.

Doncha love that shit? Anyone who's upset I'm not available for the next however long can suck it. (not saying that sweet people checking in fit in to this category, just a nice forwarning for all the people who apparently check this shit bitterly to themselves and think "oh, is that all, and you can't even work me into your schedule?" No, that's not all, that's never all, and shove that goddamn mentality up your ass! Yes, and now who's the bitter one? but that's a subject we'll leave for later discussion)
link4 whores in my bed|there must be a devil between us

(no subject) [May. 2nd, 2006|12:54 am]
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]

I'm sorry to everyone I have failed.
link2 whores in my bed|there must be a devil between us

See below [Jan. 29th, 2006|06:55 pm]
[mood |indescribableindescribable]

So I just found out that my parents are getting separated.

If you have ever actually met my parents, you can appreciate how impossibly unexpected and completely shocking this is.

So yeah--hence my lack of contact/availability/posting (although god knows enough other things interfered with that one) for the past....whatever. And, as an advance disclaimer, given that school has just started and I do not seem to be doing terribly well at this point (in general), I'm going to just say that I will probably be in a cocoon of sorts for a while now...

There are a couple people who I wanted to tell in person, but life has been so fucking crazy lately that I can't seem to manage anything. At some point, I do plan on making some post to list off a couple of the major things that have gone on/changed in my life since last...march? Something ridiculous like that. But not right now. For now, I hope everyone's lives are well and such.
linkthere must be a devil between us

Disentangling mixed signals and the like [Mar. 21st, 2005|02:49 pm]
[mood |apatheticapathetic]
[music |The Rise and Fall of Our Hero-Beulah]

I'll post the entry I should later.

I'm really, really sorry to all the people I was supposed to hang out with over spring break and didn't--long tidbit short: Got very sick, lost wallet (yes, in that definite way), still going through process of getting a replacement license, check card, student ID, and various other items of import. Worked 39 hours that week--still have to prepare a 45 min teaching on a play I haven't finished, watch a movie on it and write a report, practice a monologue and dialogue for performance wednesday, and start a one-of-my-four-grades-in-the-entire-semester human nature 10pg paper due sometime soon.

so yeah--still really busy, thought I wouldn't be over spring break but I was wrong. Call me if you want, but FYI I still have yet to listen to voice mails from a week ago. I know I'm a terrible human being, I'm sorry.

I swear to god I'll call you all when I have one possible second free, but until then...au revoir, mes amis.
link17 whores in my bed|there must be a devil between us

Pixie sticks [Oct. 13th, 2004|11:18 am]
[mood |giddygiddy]
[music |Hey-The Pixies (like i'd be listening to anyone else t'day)]

Ok, well, there are about 4 people whose comments/emails i need to respond to, but i'm busy as shit today getting everything done with work and school because god knows i won't do anything tonight...other than:

I'm going to the fucking pixies concert tonight!!!!!!!!

yeah, you can tell i'm a bit excited. i've been looking forward to this for months. of course--i'm sick as fuck too, but i'm not going to let that stop me. i'm sorry, but my body shall have no say in me having fun tonight, because i'm going to.

damnit. which of course means that thursday will suck all the more ass since i have early early morning classes (its our only review day for our next test, a test which i have not done half of the reading for and i'll probably be asleep in my desk) followed by a shitload of work, and then onto my first "dialectic behavior therapy" session. (damn, i keep forgetting to post an entry about that shit...i'm just so goddamn busy) so we'll see how that goes.

but i'll probably be about ready to die by...oh, 10 or so is my guess.

but i just don't care because i'm seeing THE FUCKING PIXIES!!!!!!! (yes, caitlyn is happy...very happy.)
link4 whores in my bed|there must be a devil between us

Needles, tubes and ulcers-oh my! [Aug. 11th, 2004|11:13 pm]
[mood |indescribableindescribable]
[music |She's Not There-Zombies]

this'll be short:

got my belly button pierced yesterday along with my cartiledge-the cartiledge hurt more. so now i've got to actually care for the things (as in, wash in shower every day and so "sea-salt soaks" every day as well...which'll no doubt be fun with a fucking abdomen...but we'll see) for a minimum of 2 months (cartiledge) and a minimum of 4 for the belly. i really wouldn't have gotten it done at all if it hadn't been ilana's 18th birthday and she'd made me promise a while ago we'd get it done together.

but yes-now i am a pierced woman.

and this morning i got to get up at 6 so i could get to the hospital by 6:30 for that endoscopy (shoving tubes down yr throat kind of fun) and now my throat hurts like a bitch. only one side tho-and the lymph node is swollen as fuck. but-true to what they said we got the results immediately and are you ready for this?-


well, that does explain a lot. they couldn't tell me how long i'd had it for but i'm betting its been there a while.

so HA! to all of the people who thought i had some control over my stomach and was just being silly when i vomited a lot and complained about pain. not that there were that many of you....but HA nonetheless.

oh, and for some reasons that i really don't feel like getting into at the moment, and probably never will, i'm more than likely going to be reverting to a very depressed person for the next few weeks at least. hopefully the effect will be dumbed down because i'm going to be so busy and might not have time to be miserable, but the fact remains that i just found out a lot of things i wish weren't true and this inspires the fact taht i probably won't want to be the most social of people for a while. (*note: this does not include people i dont' already see on a regular basis-if i haven't seen you in forever and most especially if you're going to be leaving for where ever soon-call me and i shall probably hang out...but i'm also probably going to be a much more glum person than usual for a while...we'll see.)

that's all.
link5 whores in my bed|there must be a devil between us

trapped inside the heart of every nice girl [Jul. 6th, 2004|11:09 am]
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[music |Me grinding my teeth in frustration]

I am in such a fucking. bad. mood.

All men are ignorant, self-centered, hypocritical pieces of shit and all women are whiny, pathetic, loudmouthed, vain, hypocritical little sluts.


I wish nothing more than for the people matching the descriptions above to wake up one morning and see themselves the way I see them. That sounds pretty damn satisfying.

Well, I might post a bit more and read people's journals sometime in the near future...but then, there is always the fact that i have to write another paper and take 3 tests over 26 chapters in that teleweb class i haven't even looked at before july 28th, not to mention anything i have to do at work.

i guess we'll see....

(for any men or women who happen to read this, i don't mean it....
really, i don't.

you're all just swell. )
link2 whores in my bed|there must be a devil between us

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